So...

I don't exactly remember what rekindled my interest in paganism, or any religion at all, really. For the past few years, I have been nothing but agnostic, refusing to make any claims about things I couldn't possibly know. And to me, that makes sense. Just as it makes sense to me that it is not my place to judge other people. Yes, I talk about them, voice my opinion, and can do little to stop myself from forming an opinion, but the fact of the matter is, what I think doesn't mean shit to most anyone but me.

That's not really the point though.

The point, really, is that while I'm very happy with my life, my husband, my job, my car, my house, so on and so forth, I've always found that a general lack of belief leaves me wanting of something. Christianity, to me, is too controlling... Too needy, too cruel, too judgmental. Buddhism, while far milder and (in my eyes and mind) kinder than Christianity, is still constricting in some way. The goal of enlightenment seems so lofty, so distant, so totally impossible that the entire religion itself is both daunting and empty to me. I mean... why fight for something I'm not really sure I want?

Judaism was an unquestionable no-go, as well as most other religions. No, paganism and occultism have always made sense to me in some ways. Some of it is psychotic, and some of the followers scare me. Those that flaunt their religion like a status symbol irk me. A lot. Probably because I have a limited amount of patience for people who abuse wonderful things to feed their egos and gain attention. Sure, we all love attention... I know I do, but I don't like attracting negative attention, nor do I feel the desire to be brash, loud, and needy about it.

I know I'm ranting, but as I've made clear, my current position is very unsteady. I'm still trying to learn what I can about Wicca, witchcraft, the occult... I don't consider myself anything, really. The best description I could come up with is agnostic pagan, which is an obvious oxymoron. But it makes more sense than anything else. The nature of transition is always unsteady, always unsure, and transition is where I'm at. Obviously.

So far, I've "re-studied" the basics of Wicca/witchcraft. While I realize they are two different practices, the two are often practiced together. My interests stand very close to the middle of the two. Based on what I feel in my heart, I don't suppose I could really count myself as an aspiring Wiccan, although I find myself praying now to a Goddess whose name I don't yet know. I wonder if she is Hecate, or maybe even Artemis or Psyche. I really don't know. I haven't prayed for long enough to have any inkling whatsoever as to Her nature.

I believe nature and the earth are good, and that man should not destroy it. Despite this belief, I admit to littering and wasting and not really helping the situation myself. I don't think eating delicious animals is wrong, nor do I think it wicked to use normal shampoo and soap as opposed to "organic" shampoo and soap. I don't think it's wrong to eat processed foods as opposed to organic (and I can't afford it anyway, so it doesn't make that much difference to me). I believe that divinity is a likelihood, considering my general good fortune. While I do believe in luck, I also believe that there's no way that someone, somewhere isn't looking out for me. You know?

I believe that the focus of energy and utilization of props to aid in the focus of energy lead to desired outcomes. I'm a firm believer in positive thought and affirmation. I believe in things such as astral projection (although, having not yet experienced it yet, I'm still convinced it's a sort of mind trick that involves half-waking dreaming--but if I ever succeed, I suppose I'll have more than a hypothesis on the subject). I believe there is merit in divination, but that divination is a tool more for guidance... not really for exact answers to questions about the future.

I don't believe in Hell, and I don't really believe in evil... per se. I don't believe that everything in life is inherently good and beautiful and lovely, either. Honestly, I can't say that good and evil are even solid concepts to me. I believe in being happy, and being true to what I believe is me being as good and as nice a person I have the patience and strength to be.

My husband doesn't really seem to know what I'm "up to," though I can't imagine he'd be bothered much either way. He's very much a realist, but he's also very open-minded in that I know he wouldn't judge me. I also know he wouldn't really understand, nor would he be very concerned about coming to understand. He would be more likely just to accept and leave me to my devices, which is most likely what I would prefer.

Hence that -- whatever I am or am becoming -- I am and will remain solitary in my religious practices. Religion, faith, belief... all of these things, to me, are a private matter. Perhaps another of many reasons for my distaste of Christianity. But I'm not here to bash on other religions, and beyond that, I realize that paganism, too, can be a very social religion.

In this post, I think my main goal has been to sort out where I think I stand and where I think I may be going. I have assembled a modest Wiccan altar, but -- once again -- I don't consider myself Wiccan. I am maybe half-Wiccan, at best. I have not practiced any rites, have not cast any spells. For the moment, I really don't have the time or privacy to do so. I'd rather not do anything ceremonial or ritualistic while another person is in the house, due to my lack of options for a good place to do so. Any of our more secluded rooms are either freezing, cluttered, or the basement (which is dank, dark, filthy, and not very nice a place to be).

I've started a Book of Shadows (also a Wiccan practice), but am not sure yet what to record in it next.

I've mentioned briefly to friends at work that I've assembled a pagan altar. Why? I don't know. Maybe to gauge other peoples' reactions to paganism in general. Both parties seemed interested, but in different lights. One seemed fairly judgmental and possibly sinister in her questioning as to what a pagan altar entails, whereas the other seemed relatively interested in the topic. I suppose it really just depends on viewpoints.

Whatever the case, I'm getting to a point in this writing that I'm starting to think I'm going nowhere... and not all that fast. For now, I'll cut short my endless stream of thoughts and maybe get on to reading or some such engrossing activity....

Cheers,
Trudy