Yesterday I attempted to cast a sigil spell for me and my lover. Lets just say it back fired... badly for me. There were no problems with him, in fact he never knew I had caste it. I keep my rituals very private due to past relationship problems when they do find out about my practices. He knows I am pagan he just never sees my rituals.
I am romantically involved with a good friend of mine (we even live together and have established a life), but the romance in bed has never been there. Though my attempts have been many, we have only made love once in the months we have been together, and it was less than satisfactory for both of us. Every time I have made an attempt afterwards, it has been unsuccessful whether it is because he is too tired, or some small reason which gives off impressions that he isn't in any mood. I have tried to be respectful and I am not being pushy, but he has even stopped subtle touches like he used to do when we first got together. I even ask first if he wants to do anything, instead of just doing it because he showed signs that he was not interested in having intercourse at that moment when I did.
The overwhelming feeling of not being wanted over came me the other week and ever since I've been studying sigil making,and casting. I wanted to see if I could accomplish anything because my usual means of ritual bathing and praying was not showing any affect when they used to at least give me confidence. I wanted something that I felt could be more powerful and potent.
So, I made my sigil and I meditated on it for a while, then I began my ritual bath using this symbol for my focus. Within thirty minutes of my meditation I began to feel sick. Like literally I was going to get sick. I pulled the plug on the drain (which is now clogged for no reason), and dried myself off. I cleaned everything up and prepared a special dinner for me and him even breaking out the bottle of red I was saving for a date night.
He came home from work to a clean house, cooked dinner, and me in one of the new dresses I bought. Not a fancy dress, just a black lace beach gown I bought for lounging around the house in, but made me feel sexy. It was painfully obvious I was making an attempt to bed him, and he seemed game, but he answered with a shrug and a "sure" which made me feel like he was just satisfying me with what I wanted to hear. When we bathed together that night after dinner, he was too distracted by the drain, then he complained his shoulder hurt, then he was too tired... I offered to lay down with him like I do every night and he accepted. He was gone within 5 minutes of laying his head down, and I lay there staring at the ceiling until 2am going over in my head what went wrong with my ritual earlier that evening and how it may have affected me and him.
The sigil casting had no desired affect, it almost felt like it was a magical "backfire" for lack of better terms. It gave me a carnal lust for him and a hopeless feeling of not being able to be what he wants. I did not even have the "game" I usually have when it comes to "smooth moves". I even felt a physical sickness come over me during the ritual that threw me off for the rest of the night.
What am I doing wrong? He tells me he wants me then when it comes time to act upon it there is something stopping him. and the one time we did make love he kept stopping and staring at me like he was waiting for me to say something. I love, love, that is why I am attracted to my goddess (Aphrodite), but this feeling of lust and not being able to satisfy it is destroying me. I am a faithful person, but I have caught myself day dreaming of my ex-lover who I shared even my Erotic Rituals with before we fell apart due to certain "normal" people problems. I even consulted my cards and they tell me nothing that makes sense. It is all gibberish, cards that contradict each other, or just repeat one another in endless riddles.