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"... You know you'll never be more than a twist in my sobriety."

Title courtesy of Dreadful Shadows' "Twist in my Sobriety". Interesting song.

Anyway... been up to a lot lately, I guess. I've most definitely ascertained the name of the Goddess I've been praying to. None other than Miss Hekate herself. Figures, doesn't it? =P

Other than that, I've been spending a lot of money, reading a lot... Man, speaking of spending money, I totally blew 190 bucks on lingerie today. I was pulled in by Victoria's Secret's semi-annual sale. =( It was all so cute! And such good deals! AGH! The pain! The treachery of wanting to be sexy!!!!!!!

... Yeah.

Oh yeah, I also started taking those Alli pills. They're orlistat pills, which basically block like 25% of the fat you eat. But here's the kicker: if you don't stick to the diet, you get major shits + "gas with oily spotting," as they so tenderly put it. To me, it's more of a scare tactic, ha ha. But surprisingly enough, I've actually lost three pounds. I haven't really been watching that close what I eat (except for fat grams, of course), so I dunno... Been trying to make better choices though. "You are what you eat," so they say. Not sure how I feel about being a salad though. =/ Ah well. I'm sure I'll work through it, and maybe finally get to my goal weight of 135-140. Which only really leaves me with 20-25 pounds to lose, so that shouldn't be too trying, I can't imagine.

God, the other day, I got in this huge fight with my husband... Well, actually, it was more a fight with myself that my husband got caught in, although he wasn't totally uninvolved. Ultimately, what I became seriously pissed about was my tendency to clam up and not talk about things that are bothering me.

So here's how it went.

I went downstairs after we watched a couple movies together. Josh also went downstairs. I let the dogs out. Josh asks: "So, you goin' to bed?" Already a little bit drunk, I became irrationally irritated at the fact that he seems to be trying to get rid of me so he can go play his stupid fucking Rainbow Six game. Don't get me wrong. I'm okay with the fact that he likes to play videogames. But here's the deal:

For a while, I was totally uninterested in sex. Period. Not at all. Now, suddenly, I'm VERY interested in sex (most likely thanks in part to some "work" I did in the realm of herbology and the like =P). But now, he wants to stay up all hours playing this game, so I end up going to bed alone. Just me. No sex. NO SEX.

Hence my frustration.

So, needless to say, I pitch a wordless fit and walk off, take another shot of whiskey (which I knew I didn't need), and headed upstairs, figuring I'd probably be puking in a half hour anyway. Josh comes up a few minutes later, tries to talk to me. I ignore him, pretending to read. As he starts walking away, I will myself to speak, to tell him to wait, to apologize... and nothing comes out. And he leaves. And I am completely fucking furious with myself. So mad I just started throwing shit. Mind you, I have never been this mad before. Ever. I have never been so irate that I've thrown anything. I punched a wall once or twice, but that's one thing... and it hurt my knuckles anyway.

Shortly, Josh came back up, obviously shocked and seriously worried. Still, I didn't talk to him, but I calmed down immensely, almost cried, didn't cry, then spent the rest of the night trying to sober up before I finally passed out.

That was Sunday night. Josh still doesn't really know what made me so mad, because I've remained quiet about it.

I'm such a frickin psychopath.

Anyway... So, I was looking on eBay a few days ago for some "tibetan prayer beads," basically a 108-bead rosary, minus the crucifix. In my search, I discovered a "pagan rosary." "What what???" says I. "I must investigate." It was a rosary with a pentacle instead of a crucifix, and moonstone beads for the main beads. I was most delighted. For 11.99, I happily purchased it to replace the prayer beads I made myself months ago, in colors I despise (but all I had on hand were red and turquoise beads... gag). So now, when I go to make my daily affirmations before work, I shall have something lovely and delightful in colors I enjoy, plus one of my favorite symbols. ^^ Wonderful.

Okay, well, I'm done for now.

Harm None,
Trudy Lynn

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